It All Came From Liking Honey Too Much

the things i carried with me

there, my spain:
dove chocolates & promises
¨the world may change us, but we start & end with family¨

songs to feel the love while flying high
¨let it be¨ & the melodies of feist, twisted sister promises ¨i´ll be home for christmas¨

pictures of those i love lived on my spanish hacienda wall for four months


here, my home:
gifts for giving
adorn yourselves with these european delights

food for sharing
taste the christmas joys of spain, marzipan & chocolate

beatles & the kinks, records to give me hope

london.

knowledge learned
Velázquez & his brush strokes
el Greco & his Toledo truth in precision
a history of a staircase plays theatre & the power of choice, i recognize myself
the catholic kings & Spain’s saga
por ti, para mi
¨no pasa nada¨

an ending wonderful
tears in the arms of my family, both given & chosen
remember when i lived in spain for four moths?
it was broken, & it was beautiful,
& i have grown, but will not see the fruit of these honey dripping siesta months until my heart is ready to be surprised
i have left those spicy dirty streets
& will not regret them
will not let Spain beat me
i have lived, laughed, cried, hoped, & loved all under a spanish sun
remember when i lived in spain for 4 months?
it was broken, & it was beautiful


"we've already said goodbye/since you gotta go oh you'd better go now/go now/go now before you see me cry"- the moody blues

oh my, i suppose it all came from liking honey too much
love,
cyn

& Then Spain Said Goodbye

there was nothing left
for me to say
to do
to think
how do i feel about you spain?
what do i make of you?
you of me?
we make nothing together.
you have broken me
sending me & my mixed up pieces back to my home land
home
so very beautifully soon
i walked amongst the city tonight
looking for nostalgia
& all i found was angst
agression
frustration
desperation
hunger
cold
looking at the sights meant to be beautiful,
but i know the trickery of spain
start to feel an inkling of welcome
& it will throw you out the door
not even a bocadillo in case you get hungry
look around, so many inaudible sounds
i'm begging you, let me go
i'll look back
& laugh through the tears

"there's a plane & i am flying/ there's a mountain waiting for me/oh these years have been so trying/i don't know if i can use them/am i strong enough to be the one?/will i live to have some children?/help me get down i can't make it/ help me get down i can't make it /help me get down if i only knew the answer i wouldn't be bothering you father/help me get down i can't make it/ if i only knew the answer/& if all our days are numbered/then why do i keep counting?"
-the killers

more wall beauty

this is the head of my bed. you'd be standing on me right now, which would awkward & probably painful

the kinks. enough said.

a letter from africa, a beatles record from spain, pictures & rock concert invites from london & newberg. my heart on a wall.

this is looking from the head of my bed down towards the end. there's the aramario, where all of our clothes live. on my tv bed table you can see my book & a copy of rolling stone.

& there you go. i have shown you my boat. soon i will disembark for a new adventure. another boat is awaiting me. to take me across the sea, love in pullman & portland. all aboard.

you have just climbed that second staircase & walked to the left a bit. now you look back & think, "wow, what a lovely hallway". the door on the right is my spaniard's bathroom. you might think "wow, i really need to go. i'll just pop in there real quick" but don't do it because then your senora will get mad at you & might not feed you. the door on the left is my spanish sister's room. across from the bathroom is another bedroom where my other spanish sister, her husband, & the baby sleep. it's not too bad, unless they're all in there making too much noise & waking me up from my siesta. now you are about to turn around & walk into a door. make sure you open it.

you've opened the door, walked in, closed the door, & walked across the room. this is from my side, very different from katie's side.



& now you've turned around to see my side of the room. a very nice side. clean. ambianced. i dig it.





this is if you were standing at the end of my bed, watching me sleep which you shouldn't do because it's creepy.

this is my wall with my colours & records. things to inspire me.

Here, Let Me Show You My Boat

this is the outside of my home, the front door.
this is the dining room where we eat our fancy meals. katie & i used to eat every meal alone in here, but then she complained so we all eat together now on the couch.
this is dinner that my senora fed me one night. an egg, two hotdogs, yogurt & beer. typical spanish cuisine.



imagine you've just come in from the front door. on your left you'd see this staircase, on your right you'd see the dining room & tv room.

imagine you have just climbed the previous staircase. then you were on the landing with the pretty green pottery, & then you climbed this second staircase.

I Can See the Honey Tree

sitting
reading
"studying"
the words
my education?
or my worth?
my suitcase calls, "remember me? it is me that you love. leave the pluscuamperfecto del subjuntivo. leave the mudejares in castilla & the 30 years war. abandon velazquez & his elipsis. let go of the things that are not you. embrace me. i will help you home"
evening coffee & cookies
morning laughter with my spanish mother, the president looks good with shoes on his face
surprise
it's time
now with these fleeting thoughts i attempt to end this whirlwind
se acabo!
it's finished!
"when freedom becomes a language, indifference is forbidden"
what do these words mean?
my soul understands while my mind needlessly convulates
so listen to my soul
my spicy spanish yo soy americana soul
yo soy americana
running laughing talking screaming breathing convulating elipsis stop!
home

The Day I Gave My Map Away

the day
today
i gave my map away
to the french tourists in the park
take this map
find your way, may it be more joyful than mine was
i realized
i am ready
to let go of spain
funny though, spain will never let go of me
it will always be a part of my bones
of me
embrace what little i have left
for then it is over
an ending wonderful
the day
today
i gave the city to the french in the park

I Fell Asleep Smiling

9 days
only
"number 9, number 9" (cheers to you if you can tell me the song reference)
i can't really believe it
only 3 more days of class
& then tests
& then an airplane
& then home
i don't know how to take that
these ending moments are all i've been waiting for this semester
now they are upon me asking me "what do you think Cyndi?"
i think i am ready to go home
i think i like seeing Christmas trees in cafes in Spain
i think i liked watching "the karate kid" in spanish today
i think i just fell in love with the chocolate fudge cookies here at Pan's Cafe
i think this all leading towards an ending beautiful
also?
i have learned something wonderful about my senora
last night she told me the story, her story
& now i will tell you...


until 2 years ago she lived in a tiny apartment with her 4 kids in what we would consider the ghetto
she & her husband are seperated, he hasn't seen her or his children in 10 years
while living in this delapidated apartment
she was caring for a sick woman
when that woman passed away, god rest her, her (the sick woman) husband's health also started failing
so my senora, needing the extra money, started caring for him instead
soon she stopped taking money for her work, claiming it just wasn't right
she cared for him while his children, 6 hrs away, never bothered with him
he passed away, god rest him, within a year or so of his wife
my senora cared for him as if he were her family
she stayed by him while his family left him out in the cold
he came to see her & her children as his true family
so when he died
in his will
he left her & her 4 kids the huge house he was living in
the one i am now living in
and?
$700, 000
my senora tells me this over evening pizza
her words, spanish, settling in like the warmest of blankets all around my soul
i went to bed last night
blessed with her new found confidence in me
blessed to have been cared for all this time by a woman who feels it her calling in life to care for those who need it
blessed to be living within the walls of a house that once belonged to a perpetually kind man
who's sweet presence i felt for the first time last night
comforted
welcomed
warmed
fed
loved
i fell asleep smiling
thinking of this man's kindness
of my spanish family's huge hearts
of my senora, whose sleeping breaths i could here through the wall, & all she is to me
her eyes tell me everything about her
four words especially stream from her gaze
wisdom, grace, tiredness, loneliness
she is all of these things
i feel love within my spanish home for the first time
i will soak myself in it
until i leave this place for a different kind of love
i will take this story of hope & spread it all around me
so we can remind ourselves we are all here & living & breathing & present

"i am he as you he as you are me and we are all together"

& now?
i return to my spanish home that lets me fall asleep smiling

"Halleluja Rosie Lea"

this week
what a week!
sick with a stomach flu on monday
art project on tuesday
tutoring on wednesday, splurging on a starbucks
christmas carols on thursday
more stomach problems! doubled over in pain. hospital time?
my senora, so sweet, tells me it's just gas
i'm fairly certain however that "just gas" doesn't rip your insides into shreds, making it difficult to walk & breathe
she keeps feeding me grilled fish
really yummy
4 meals now
of grilled fish
light on your tummy, she tells me
i adore her
& my tummy is better
today?
morning coffee
parousing among sweets baked by nuns
people stand in line for more than hour to buy these sweets
all so delicious
i bought some kind of coconut something or others
an intended gift
sorry family but the box didn't stay closed passed the covenant
now here i am
sitting in my cafe
needing to finish my paper
6-7 pages on how a particular spanish play is reflective of post-civil war spanish society
a kick ass topic
but tricky
as evidenced by the fact that i am currently playing the game called
"cyndi goes to pan's to study but spends more time on the internet than being any kind of productive"
& tonight i will go out with my lady friends
things are looking up
& spain is ending soon
& if you can believe me, there are things i am thinking about missing
can it be?
we'll see
until then have a cuppa tea & just breathe

"Whatever the situation whatever the race or creed,
Tea knows no segregation, no class nor pedigree
It knows no motivations, no sect or organisation,
It knows no one religion, Nor political belief.
Have a cuppa tea, have a cuppa tea,
have a cuppa tea, have a cuppa tea,
Halleluja, halleluja, halleluja, Rosie Lea
Halleluja, halleluja, halleluja Rosie Lea."
-The Kinks

Speak

para y por describirme
no siento nada, pero siento todo
soy todo y soy nada
soy aire y soy muerte
soy audacia y soy vergüenza
con mi café caro, y mis zapatos sucios, siguiendo sintiendo
que hoy es mí ultima día
pero mañana es un día más
soy esperando y soy desesperando
ve las imágenes en mi pared, colores para consolación
miro al otro lado de esta cárcel a una declaración
que soy tan mucho y tan poco
quiero cantar, pero no puedo hablar
quiero correr, y no se como andar
quiero llorar, pero solo puedo respirar
no siento nada, pero siento todo. aquí. en Sevilla. la guiri. o la americana?


for me & by me describing me
i feel nothing & i feel everything
i am nothing & i am everything
i am air & i am death
i am audacity & i am shame
with my expensive coffee & my dirty shoes i continue feeling
that today is my last day
& tomorrow is one more
i am hoping & i am desperate
i see the images on my wall, colours for consolation
i look to the other side of this prison
a decleration
that i'm too much & too little
i want to sing but i can't speak
i want to run but i can't walk
i want to cry but i can only breathe
i feel nothing & i feel everything
here
in Sevilla
the guiri
or the american?

See, The Thing Is...

i have just been informed that i did not eat turkey on thanksgiving
i ate seagull & albatross combo
or scuttle from "the little mermaid" if you'd rather
i don't know whether i want to cry or laugh
cruel joke spain, cruel joke
but?
today i ate peanut butter chocolate chip cookies from the United States of America
and my dear sweetly sweet spanish darling Mercedes made us pumpkin pie
REAL pumpkin pie
so delicious
i have my pennance ready for having eaten scuttle
but all is good with pumpkin & chocolate flavoured nostalgia
the tastes of home
home
soon
home

Peru Will Serve You American Thanksgiving in Cuba

thanksgiving has come & gone
i miss it
i miss food day
such a beautiful day, no matter where i am in my life
i've always loved thanksgiving
golden comforting sweet savoury hope

we had dinner
turkey, warm bread, mashed potatoes, stuffing, sweet potatoes, corn, green beans, glazed & drizzled eggplant, pumpkin tart, lemon cake, carrot cake, cafe con leche.
all delicious
none of it equal to my mom's cooking, but still, quite good

we ate at a cuban restaurant
beautiful white traceria decorated everything, 45 american students added to the ambiance
black & white photos on the wall of cuban life & love
stunning
the chef is from peru
he seemed quite sweet & was determined to make everything just right for us
then we danced the night away to salsa & sevillanas. even if you don't know these dances, you follow the kinks advice & "don't forget to dance". even if you're wearing a vintage red tea time dress that's definitely not spanish, you dance.
earlier that day i took part in a thanksgiving day toffee nut latte with my roommate Katie
i talked with my family
oh how i miss them
i gobbled like a turkey, was stared at by self-conscious spaniards
i watched "elf", was inspired by buddy's joy
i watched "bella", was inspired by the character's broken beauty
these past few days
i have cried
laughed
danced
it all away
there are christmas lights in my room, african love in my heart, & my true home sweet home soon to be mine
spain is undoing me little by little
but i am learning how to begin putting myself back together
the twisted sister christmas album goes well with the experience of doing so:)

(imagine heavy metal melodies, dean snider's full voice)
"oh come all ye faithful. joyful & triumphant"

faithful
joyful
triumphant
rock on!

Toledo Has My Heart, Ronda Has Meg's Canvas

I Climbed a Spanish Mountain Into the Sky

pretty pretty ronda

timeless theatre

& Then Portland Sent Truth & Peace

so weary!
and leery!
and dreary!
I feel.
stop this mind from racing all the time
restful peace
come hither,
be mine.
it was here earlier
but now it's long gone
and out of sight
on this restless,
sleepless,
clogged-up left nostril night
I remember sleepand what a comfort it once was
but now all it does is
leave me lacking because even there these thoughts
just won't stop yacking.
so I, I hit the floor and on bruised knees
start banging down your door.
can't take this anymore.
HOLY SPIRIT manifest your BEING
comfort this soul so that I can start singing
of that peaceful feeling
that any minute now you'll be bringing.
grace grows in winter I am told
(but that's not what I want to hear right now, truth be known)
it's you Father that I desire
so put out this unHOLY FIRE
and set ablaze me anew
with a peace that comes only from you.
where else can I turn and what else may I do?
here I am
yours.
here I am
yours.
here I amy ours.
~Another One Of Those Nights by Bradley Hathaway

my dear friend Jon sent this to me
it describes so perfectly my heart & everything that i'm feeling
awesomely powerful
i must read more of Hathaway's words:)
cheers loves.

"See the Sun"

soon
oh so soon do i leave this place
3 weeks
only
my heart is so happy
yet so heavy
i have not been cyndi here
spain has taken me from myself
i've been someone who doesn't talk much & smiles even less
& i of course try to look for ways to change that
but i will not lie to myself
i've learned that from my beautiful mother
don't lie to yourself
so i'm not
& i'm not lying to spain
it will not trap me behind a facade of false joy
things comfort me of course
but i am dying to comfort someone
i am dying to take on the tears of someone else & let them pour out of me
i talked with my mom last night, & my brothers
& then i dreamt about them
everytime i talk with my mom, i dream about my family
always
& then i wake up sad because the dream has ended & i am not with them
last night i dreamt they were here with me
& this place was suddenly beautiful

but that is all internal
externally you may ask?
we went to Ronda yesterday
a beautiful mountain hidden village
astounding scenery & colours
from every view you see a painting
i climbed the top of a mountain to a roman theatre
3 centuries old
i cannot explain the feeling to have touched a theatre from so long ago
theatre is timeless, i understand that even more now
also in ronda we climbed down 366 steps to the bottom of a mine
the water there, so green & crystal clear
climbing up was a challenge
but to climb out of the darkness & into the sun was much needed
& today i celebrated a friends birthday with wonderful indian food & that kind of conversation that only exists when girls & good food meet

school will be getting easier, only one more set of exams to go
for our thanksgiving dinner, which i am so excited for, we're all supposed to write nice things about each student
so that night we all read 40-45 uplifting things about ourselves
what could anyone possibly have to write about me?
no one knows me
no one could possibly think of kind things to say about me, the grumpy girl who's always in sunglasses & an ochre coloured sweater & always saying the wrong thing, drinking too much coffee & listening to her music too loudly
the girl who doesn't let anybody in
no
no one could have anything to say
so i will simply write about the beauty & truth i see in others
& continue trying to escape this me that isn't me
this me that spain has made me

& despite all of that, i will keep looking for beauty, the light, the laughter, the spirit
something here to believe in


"it's so easy to laugh/it's so easy to hate/but it takes strength to be gentle & kind"
-the smiths

Michael Clarke & Chocolate Icecream

spain?
still a difficult place for me
i'm not sure it is vale la pena (worth the pain)
i'm not happy in my host home
& school has mere moments of fleeting contentment
that is the simple truth
but?
lately i have been made joyful by the simplest things
such as while i was flying back from london, i was sitting next to a curious old man from liverpool
i was absolutely fascinated by him
& all he was doing was drinking cognac (a lot of cognac) & eating a tuna fish sandwhich
but still, i was enthralled
i watched him
though i do not think he realized it
his name is michael clark, a very good name
something about his sweet simplicity spoke to my heart
& i couldn't take my eyes away from him
then we spoke
we talked of life, god, liverpool football (go red!), communism, the beatles
all wonderful
& today?
i was studying on a bench in the plaza centro
there was a man across from me, a tourist i think, who was taking a nap on his bench
he seemed comfortable
sleeping in the newly cool & crisp sevillan autumn air
he too captivated me
then he woke up, bought himself a chocolate icecream cone, & people watched
i watched him watch
wondering what he sees when he looks at the world
hoping
seeking
smiling
laughing
contemplating
something about him struck me, that same sense of simple sweetness
we never spoke, but i have learned much from him
& from michael
i feel god is speaking to me through these simple strangers who captivate me so completely
He is showing me to look for & be at peace with simplicity
that nothing has to be anything other than what it is in order for it to be beautiful
their hunger
their thirst
their tiredness
their curiosity
my hope
all is as it is, therefore it is beautiful
it is worthy of recognition, adoration
even in the ugliness & darkness there is beauty
because there is God
& so i hope to find more simple strangers
for i sense this song is not yet over
i am taking it all in, & breathing it all out

London Calling

here i am

back in sevilla

after a week, only a week, in my most beloved city in the world

london

let me indulge you

i arrived quite late on saturday night. took a black taxi to my friends flat.

payed a lot of money, but he got me there safely.

sunday clare & i went out for sunday lunch. i had a lamb burger & a guinness (for you jon!).

it was AMAZING.

monday, & everyday of the week, i woke up between 6:45 and 7am, had breakfast with Clare, watched BBC News, & then hopped on the tube.

i literally spent the entire day doing whatever i wanted.

i ate what i wanted. (hotdogs & fish n chips!)

i walked where i wanted.

no other people to boggle my mind with demands or suggestions.

it was wonderful.

museums.paintings.art.pubs.poetry in hyde park.pumpkin soup.record stores.vintage shops. tea. scones.hot cross buns.wine.theatre.shakespeare.granola.fish n chips.book stores.galleries.beatles.

all day long, hopping on & off the tube whenever it pleased me.

i shopped for records in soho, bought a kinks album:) the guy was great, he was so glad i was a fan of the kinks that he sold me the record for $10 instead of $30!
the rest of my days there went very much the same way. me doing whatever i pleased, freely exploring my favourite city.

wednesday night clare & i saw the musical "billy elliot". now, i hate musicals. really, i can't stand them. but this one? this one struck a chord in me. i loved it. something about the working class heroes from northern england singing about their plight under Margaret Thatcher's government, something about Billy's desire to dance & struggle to express himself, all of it moved me so deeply. i encourage you all to watch the film if you haven't yet. it's a brilliant story.

thursday we saw the ballet "beauty & the beast". so beautiful. what a treat.

& friday we went to the opening of the wildlife photographer of the year exibition.

astounding images. i cried, many times. try & look some of these images up on-line, they cannot afford to be missed. & they are as they are, no editing or retouching allowed. http://www.nhm.ac.uk/visit-us/whats-on/temporary-exhibitions/wpy/

& the best part?

abbey road, naturally.

i went there twice, spending two hours or more there each time.

it was so wonderful.

being on that road, seeing those studios.

there's a white wall out front with graffiti of love notes to the beatles, so amazing.

people from all over the world have been there, have listened & do listen to the beatles.

there is no other musical group as timeless. don't believe me? go there. read those words. feel that road. lose yourself in the studios. you can still hear them. singing. making music. playing songs, helping me understand it all.

such a gift. to have been there. to have seen that. to drink tea on a step where they once stood.

no need for words, the music was all around me.

so here i am in sevilla.

post-london depression has set in.

i'm trying to remain positive. trying not to be selfish & stuck in this sadness.

but really?

all i want is tea & abbey road.

i love you all,

"and in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make"

cyn

The Coffee Men Are Mad At Me

the coffee men are mad at me.
it is true.
i am at my usual joint, using the internet, sipping delicious caffeinated warmth.
just after arriving i took a few moments before purchasing my coffee.
but this, apparantly, was too long for the coffee men.
one of them comes up behind me : "va a comprar algo?" (are you going to buy something?)
"como"? (what?) why is he asking me this? don't i always buy something? don't i come in here EVERY day of the week to buy a coffee? don't i contribute quite graciously to your paycheck mister spanish barista man?
i did not ask "what" because i did not understand him, but rather because i could not believe his audacity at pressuring me to purchase something or leave.
& i understand they don't want me using the internet w/o purchasing something, vale.
but really. he could've been a little less of a nazi about it all. & let me point out that they need not worry about business as the shop is FULL of people at the moment.

ANYWAY,
grumpy barista men aside
(don't be bitter cyndi)
i am ready to set off for london in only a mere few hours.
& for this i am more than ecstatic.
my sweet friend Clare has offered me her couch for a week, free lodging! so very kind of her.
she is quite truly the most perfect english beauty that ever existed.

before i go: something to mull over:
i was eating dinner last night while watching tv with my senora, a time i was most thankful for as i usually eat all alone in the big empty dining room.
we were watching a program about how the government is paying for the remains of those anonymously buried after the war to be dug up & identified, so families may have peace.
the majority of these people were murdered for going against Franco.
one of these murdered souls happens to be my senora's grandfather.
she tells me, in new found confidance, that he was assasinated for being a communist.
he was taken from their home in the middle of the night, a night she'll never forget, & he never came back.
she tells me, over & over again, "just because he was a communist doesn't mean he was a bad person, he wasn't a bad person! he was a very good man! communism reflects nothing of his character."
i cannot tell you how many times she said this to me.

& so i think.
of her grandfather murdered for his political beliefs.
of the hurt she & her family, & countless others, have endured.
& the revolutionary comes out in me.
how do we justify such actions against others simply because we disagree with them?
when did political beliefs become worthy judges of whether to keep a human life or destroy it?
i think of this as my meg travles to rwanda.
i think of this as i observe the presidential race under spanish skies.

"& how did the world become,to have such an absent love?"

"father of love & mercy
because of your goodness towards us
we want to cry out with joy & praise
through the prayer of your servant,
be with all those who lead us in praising you
in choirs & as musicians
may the praise on our lips
find it's true expression in deeds full of love
we ask this through Jesus Christ Our Lord
Amen"
- St. Denis Sebuggwawo

i'll be singing you songs of love from london,
love ethereal,
cyn

breath of toledo

I Wasn't Taking Art History Notes

stop blocking yourself
let it pour freely
allow the breath to indulge your hope
the sweetly dirty river sparkling under the morning sun
the spicy smell of the street carries me away
don't worry about tomorrow
such an easy thing to say
such a hidden thing to feel
the birds will sing their song
the roses will wither & die before bloom
and you will wake
to feel the breath of hope
carry you through another sweetly dirty, sparkling, spicy day.

"all is well on the hippie front"

chocolate always helps:)

Here I Am, I Am Here

so it has indeed been quite a long time since i've posted anything new.
the reason being i've been swamped with test week.
they do this crazy thing here where they cram 3-4 400 level tests into only 2 days.
i might not be so frustrated with this if
a) the tests were in english or b) the teachers even spoke english.
i studied all weekend, pausing only to eat & drink coffee & beer
but now?
it's alllllll over. & i can relax. i can sit at my computer & do whatever i please w/o worrying about the reconquest of spain, the perfect preterite of the subjunctive tense, or gothic architecture.
& that is a beautiful thing.
i sit in a dark room all alone listening to amazingness that is The Kooks & indulging in chocolate.
it is wonderful.
& i think.
i think a lot about my time here.
am i making the most of it?
is there anything to make the most of?
i try so hard to live & love so deeply here
yet cannot ignore the moments when the sound of my mother's voice brings me to tears
or the time of day when all i can handle is a Beatles melody & a walk through the park.
anything more would destroy me.
why does Spain do this to me?
why am i so weak in it's presence?
i mentioned two days ago to my roommate we only have 2 months left. "thank God" i said.
"thank God?" she repeats. "you really hate it all that much?"
"yes" i said. "yes i do". & i think back now to that short exchange & wonder at the truth of my words, the cold & broken truth. "yes". why? i don't know. i don't feel the same way now. i'm back to feeling my good old indifferent self.
but still, that truth frightens me.
i spent some time last night wandering around Sevilla giving coffee & food to homeless people, talking with them.
i realized while talking with Pilar, a woman who lives outside the train station, that i would settle for the less rather than the more. i would settle for a life of broken simplicity.
& i know she is not without her demons. i know this.
but somehow i was comforted by her & her world, standing in the rain with her.
i was so thirsty. & she had two bottles of cold water.
i never thought i would live a moment wherein i am the one in need,
& a homeless person is the one who provides.
mind-silencing, joy bringing, & soul-wrecking at the same time.
i cannot comprehend it, i don't think i ever will.
all i can do at this moment is wake up in the hope of a new day.
today's hope arrived in letter from Africa. Meg wrote me words that have impacted me so deeply, she will never understand how greatly. the winds of Spain carried my brokeness to Africa & Africa sent back words of healing and comfort on the wings of hope, paper smelling of earth & beauty.

next week i venture to london, my dream city.
until then & hopefully always i will keep pondering that broken truth, keep hoping for hope.

"shine, shine, shine on, 'cause you're not done"
-The Kooks

toledo you've won my heart

windmills of Don Quixote







fairytale streets of Toledo

"There Is A Long Way, Between Chaos & Creation"

inspired by sir paul, i am indeed bordering a fine line between chaos & creation



the chaos?

depression.
dealing with the feeling of not being at peace here in Sevilla
of not being able to handle this beautiful crazy mess of a city
& my first test grades were awful
awful enough to make me doubt my decision to come here



the creation?

on sunday i was able to indulge in fabulous coffee & conversation with my roomie
it was a much needed time for us, as we hadn't really connected yet
i see her in a new light & for that i am thankful
i've also found a cafe geared towards college students
which means their cafe con leche is only 1 euro
& their burgers are less than 3!

also, i went to Toledo this weekend

beautiful

in fact, i quote a rather wonderful movie "In Bruges" when i say "it's like a fockin' fairytale!"
i apologize for the less than delicate language, watch the movie, then you'll understand

my heart & mind were in such peace there
peace i had not felt, from way deep down, in a very long time
the streets all are cobblestoned, the house all vintage brick & straw
Toledo was a medieval city & hasn't really advanced much since then architectually
it's also home to the oldest Gothic cathedral in the world
absolutely mind-silencing
the air there is so fresh & crisp, for a moment i fooled myself into thinking i was breathing in an Oregon or Pullman fall
it was quite heavenly to wander the cobblestoned paths of ancient times as scents of vanilla pipe, cooking smoke, & autumn leaves permeate the air
i loved it, truly
for the first time, i felt like i was in Europe
like i was alive
like there was something bigger than all this here in Sevilla
something big & beautiful & free & taking me in
i will go back there before my time in Spain is over

& thankfully, there is more creation

i got to talk to my daddy, twice!
it was so good to hear from him
i've missed him so much
i've also realized how thankful i am for tourists
they wander around Sevilla with their cameras of all sorts, taking everything in
i always look to see what they're capturing
because it means they've found something worth remembering that i have yet to discover


so there we have it
i am still on this line
bordering chaos & creation
the chaos i know will always be there
i will never feel at complete peace with this city
but there is always creation aswell
waiting to comfort me

hope for more creation

"There is a fine line, between recklessness and courage
It's about time, you understood which road to take
It's a fine line, your decision makes a difference
Get it wrong, you'll be making a big mistake

There is a long way, between chaos and creation
If you don't say, which one of these your gonna choose
It's a long way, and in every contradiction
Seems to say it's a game that your bound to loose"

-Paul McCartney

a tree that reminds me of my sweet friend meg.











fairycakes (cupcakes) made by my fabulous mother!
they're unreal!

"We're On A Road To Nowhere"

here i am in perhaps my favourite cafe in all of sevilla
it's nothing fancy
nothing about it stands out as being particularly Spanish
but still, i like it here
the coffee is good & cheap, only a 1 euro & 20 cents
there are screens that stream spanish music videos
but the speakers play american music
i find that contrast somewhat amusing
i have a feeling though that no matter where one goes in the world, it is nigh impossible to be able to fully escape american culture
mcdonald's is a huge deal here, all of them being 2-3 stories and always packed with people
there are 4 starbucks all within a 5 min walking distance of eachother
i found a movie store that only rents american movies, all dubbed over
it all fascinates me
makes me wonder what the real sevilla is like underneath this veil of the american dream
i amuse myself at the thought that although many countries don't seem too pleased with the states today, they are all too quick to enjoy our exports
& maybe that's why i feel at odds with this city
feeling so unwelcome in a city that appears to owe a lot of itself to the land from where i come
how do i attempt to fit into a culture that seems to both reject & accept me at the same time?
in other news, i went to a church concert last night
we had to take a bus a very long way to a church in the middle of nowhere
and sit through a 1 hr & a 1/2 sermon before even being able to listen to the singer
the concert itself was supposed to start @ 9pm, but didn't begin until 10:15
never again will i accuse my mother of being more than fashionably late:)
sitting there in the pew, bored out of my mind, i found myself & my friend Sasha talking with a guy a pew behind us
he's from Brazil, lived in the states for a while, and plans on opening an american style pretzel shop next week
we all left the church at 11 to catch a bus, myself & 5 other girls, only to end up sharing a bus stop with 3 other concert attendees
1- a guy from paraguay who also lived in the states & can speak english
he was more than amused at the fact that he could ask one question & all of us would respond simultaneously with the exact same answer
that starts to happen when you hear the same basic questions over & over again
2- a british guy studying chemistry in spain
& 3- a girl also from brazil studying english here in spain
we had to wait and hour and a freaking half for the stupid bus
giving us plenty of time to discuss the differences between all of our cultures
beautiful conversation
then my lady friends & i had a picnic on the bridge at 2 am
all in all an adventure filled evening
such experiences are always better with friends along for the ride
& so here i am
on a rain drenched saturday
not really interested in going back to my host home
but not really wanting to go anywhere else either
so here in my cafe, i will stay
meditating on the world wide impact my country has
contemplating the beauty of the fact that although we all come from different places,
we're still all very much together in this world
striving to feel some sense of belonging

"There's a city in my mind
Come along and take that ride
And its all right, baby, its all right
And its very far away
But its growing day by day
And its all right, baby, its all right"
-Talking Heads

All You Need Is Love, Love Is All You Need

i have been reminded lately of how important it is to love.
how if we have not love, we have nothing.
this is particularly difficult for me as i have been forced to realize how little i have been loving.
this place
these people
her
him
you
myself
all without love.
i hate that.
i want to love, but i cannot force it
nor can i remain indifferent
i need love to take a hold of me
so i may love others
because "love is all you need"
also?
i am deeply missing home
my family
my friends
my school
theatre
my heart is so thirsty for theatre there are no words to express it
but?
there is some dancing in the darkness
i get to see my grandma for a weekend in december
i miss her a lot & will be counting the days
& i am going to london for a week
a dream
also?
this weekend i look forward to spending with friends here
going to evening concerts & morning markets & such
next week i get to start working with homeless people
providing them with coffee & conversation
two of my most favourite things

so for now, those things will keep me
until we meet again,
may you feel the love

"oh i don't know where else i'll go
it's out of the warmth
& into the snow"
-the morning benders

Sweet Autumn Morn

i miss my oregon fall
i miss the golden leaves
the fresh, crisp mornings
i miss the pumpkins & apples
the changes in the air
the changes in the way we are
i miss honeyed tea evenings
and maple syruped mornings
i miss coffee shop endeavors
and scarf adorned friends
i miss the leaves crunching under my feet
and morning apple tarts dripping of sweetly savoured spices
the fall will not wait for me
so Spain will have to do
though the crunchy leaves are few & far between
i do love indulging in the apple tarts
even if they are from McDonald's

"no i would not give you false hope
on this strange & awful day
oh the mother & child reunion
is only a motion away"

"Pobre Chinos"

oh me oh my so much with which to indulge you all
school? mediocre. not my favourite thing, but something to do.
my family? hysterical. everyday during lunch this group of loud, laughing, Chinese teenagers wander past our dining room table. My brother Carlos said next time they walk by, causing such noise, he's going to stick his out & scare them, "AAAAAAA"
we all laughed, & then laughed more when my senors said "Ay, Pobre Chinos"
"Oh, poor Chinese"
and today? my brother in-law snuck outside just before lunch & stuck his head in the window laughing & yelling "ahahahah soy chino, soy ruidoso, ay, ay, ay, soy chino loco"
katie & i just about died, the translation being "ahahaha i'm chinese, i'm noisy, ay, ay, ay crazy chinese"
& they say spaniards aren't racist
they really are a wondeful family, lots of laughter & love
last night 7 other girls & i met up with some spaniards & went out for tapas. delicious. or am i talking about the spaniards?
for you see one of them, i kid you not, resembled a spanish subtitled version of Orlando Bloom. gourgeous
& taken
of course
we then went to a museum that was putting on a plethora of fabulous artistic endeavors including guitar concerts, photo galleries, flamenco, wine tasting, & theatre.
all free. all wonderful.
& our spanish boys stayed with us all night long declaring they simply could not leave us girls all alone
very sweet
we then wandered around Sevilla in the wee hours of the morning, considering the museum was open until 2, before heading home at....
4 am!
my senora can no longer claim i have no night life
now i am off to meet my conversation partner before indulging in a movie with my lovely lady of a friend Kristen
until we meet again, i love you all
"all is well on the hippie front"