soon
oh so soon do i leave this place
3 weeks
only
my heart is so happy
yet so heavy
i have not been cyndi here
spain has taken me from myself
i've been someone who doesn't talk much & smiles even less
& i of course try to look for ways to change that
but i will not lie to myself
i've learned that from my beautiful mother
don't lie to yourself
so i'm not
& i'm not lying to spain
it will not trap me behind a facade of false joy
things comfort me of course
but i am dying to comfort someone
i am dying to take on the tears of someone else & let them pour out of me
i talked with my mom last night, & my brothers
& then i dreamt about them
everytime i talk with my mom, i dream about my family
always
& then i wake up sad because the dream has ended & i am not with them
last night i dreamt they were here with me
& this place was suddenly beautiful
but that is all internal
externally you may ask?
we went to Ronda yesterday
a beautiful mountain hidden village
astounding scenery & colours
from every view you see a painting
i climbed the top of a mountain to a roman theatre
3 centuries old
i cannot explain the feeling to have touched a theatre from so long ago
theatre is timeless, i understand that even more now
also in ronda we climbed down 366 steps to the bottom of a mine
the water there, so green & crystal clear
climbing up was a challenge
but to climb out of the darkness & into the sun was much needed
& today i celebrated a friends birthday with wonderful indian food & that kind of conversation that only exists when girls & good food meet
school will be getting easier, only one more set of exams to go
for our thanksgiving dinner, which i am so excited for, we're all supposed to write nice things about each student
so that night we all read 40-45 uplifting things about ourselves
what could anyone possibly have to write about me?
no one knows me
no one could possibly think of kind things to say about me, the grumpy girl who's always in sunglasses & an ochre coloured sweater & always saying the wrong thing, drinking too much coffee & listening to her music too loudly
the girl who doesn't let anybody in
no
no one could have anything to say
so i will simply write about the beauty & truth i see in others
& continue trying to escape this me that isn't me
this me that spain has made me
& despite all of that, i will keep looking for beauty, the light, the laughter, the spirit
something here to believe in
"it's so easy to laugh/it's so easy to hate/but it takes strength to be gentle & kind"
-the smiths
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2 comments:
cyn. i have been waiting for another post of yours and i'm SO glad to finally have found one. I check daily to see if you've written new words.
im proud of you.
did you know? I truly am.
your sadness breaks my heart, but you have nearly made it through. and I am proud of what you have dealt with, what you have seen, and the truth that you still can enjoy things such as Ronda.
maybe together we can speak of Rwanda and Ronda. and drink coffee. and i dont care if you turn your music so loud. i don't care HOW much coffee you drink. I don't care if you wear your sunglasses even to sleep. and I don't care if you have your natural pout. because dear cyn? these things i LOVE about you. i love you as you are. and i miss these things so much.
you are one of the most beautiful souls i have ever encountered, and to be in the same apartment for another semester i SO eagerly await.
be present in these three weeks left in spain. because maybe spain is showing you something about yourself. maybe through this "not cyndi" that you are being, you will in fact discover a different nature.
and i love you no matter what. no matter who you are when you walk into le shana. no matter who you are when you leave spain, nothing can break our bond. and our ETERNAL connection.
i love you. be you.
O! Orange really is your color.!
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