"There Is A Long Way, Between Chaos & Creation"

inspired by sir paul, i am indeed bordering a fine line between chaos & creation



the chaos?

depression.
dealing with the feeling of not being at peace here in Sevilla
of not being able to handle this beautiful crazy mess of a city
& my first test grades were awful
awful enough to make me doubt my decision to come here



the creation?

on sunday i was able to indulge in fabulous coffee & conversation with my roomie
it was a much needed time for us, as we hadn't really connected yet
i see her in a new light & for that i am thankful
i've also found a cafe geared towards college students
which means their cafe con leche is only 1 euro
& their burgers are less than 3!

also, i went to Toledo this weekend

beautiful

in fact, i quote a rather wonderful movie "In Bruges" when i say "it's like a fockin' fairytale!"
i apologize for the less than delicate language, watch the movie, then you'll understand

my heart & mind were in such peace there
peace i had not felt, from way deep down, in a very long time
the streets all are cobblestoned, the house all vintage brick & straw
Toledo was a medieval city & hasn't really advanced much since then architectually
it's also home to the oldest Gothic cathedral in the world
absolutely mind-silencing
the air there is so fresh & crisp, for a moment i fooled myself into thinking i was breathing in an Oregon or Pullman fall
it was quite heavenly to wander the cobblestoned paths of ancient times as scents of vanilla pipe, cooking smoke, & autumn leaves permeate the air
i loved it, truly
for the first time, i felt like i was in Europe
like i was alive
like there was something bigger than all this here in Sevilla
something big & beautiful & free & taking me in
i will go back there before my time in Spain is over

& thankfully, there is more creation

i got to talk to my daddy, twice!
it was so good to hear from him
i've missed him so much
i've also realized how thankful i am for tourists
they wander around Sevilla with their cameras of all sorts, taking everything in
i always look to see what they're capturing
because it means they've found something worth remembering that i have yet to discover


so there we have it
i am still on this line
bordering chaos & creation
the chaos i know will always be there
i will never feel at complete peace with this city
but there is always creation aswell
waiting to comfort me

hope for more creation

"There is a fine line, between recklessness and courage
It's about time, you understood which road to take
It's a fine line, your decision makes a difference
Get it wrong, you'll be making a big mistake

There is a long way, between chaos and creation
If you don't say, which one of these your gonna choose
It's a long way, and in every contradiction
Seems to say it's a game that your bound to loose"

-Paul McCartney