so it has indeed been quite a long time since i've posted anything new.
the reason being i've been swamped with test week.
they do this crazy thing here where they cram 3-4 400 level tests into only 2 days.
i might not be so frustrated with this if
a) the tests were in english or b) the teachers even spoke english.
i studied all weekend, pausing only to eat & drink coffee & beer
but now?
it's alllllll over. & i can relax. i can sit at my computer & do whatever i please w/o worrying about the reconquest of spain, the perfect preterite of the subjunctive tense, or gothic architecture.
& that is a beautiful thing.
i sit in a dark room all alone listening to amazingness that is The Kooks & indulging in chocolate.
it is wonderful.
& i think.
i think a lot about my time here.
am i making the most of it?
is there anything to make the most of?
i try so hard to live & love so deeply here
yet cannot ignore the moments when the sound of my mother's voice brings me to tears
or the time of day when all i can handle is a Beatles melody & a walk through the park.
anything more would destroy me.
why does Spain do this to me?
why am i so weak in it's presence?
i mentioned two days ago to my roommate we only have 2 months left. "thank God" i said.
"thank God?" she repeats. "you really hate it all that much?"
"yes" i said. "yes i do". & i think back now to that short exchange & wonder at the truth of my words, the cold & broken truth. "yes". why? i don't know. i don't feel the same way now. i'm back to feeling my good old indifferent self.
but still, that truth frightens me.
i spent some time last night wandering around Sevilla giving coffee & food to homeless people, talking with them.
i realized while talking with Pilar, a woman who lives outside the train station, that i would settle for the less rather than the more. i would settle for a life of broken simplicity.
& i know she is not without her demons. i know this.
but somehow i was comforted by her & her world, standing in the rain with her.
i was so thirsty. & she had two bottles of cold water.
i never thought i would live a moment wherein i am the one in need,
& a homeless person is the one who provides.
mind-silencing, joy bringing, & soul-wrecking at the same time.
i cannot comprehend it, i don't think i ever will.
all i can do at this moment is wake up in the hope of a new day.
today's hope arrived in letter from Africa. Meg wrote me words that have impacted me so deeply, she will never understand how greatly. the winds of Spain carried my brokeness to Africa & Africa sent back words of healing and comfort on the wings of hope, paper smelling of earth & beauty.
next week i venture to london, my dream city.
until then & hopefully always i will keep pondering that broken truth, keep hoping for hope.
"shine, shine, shine on, 'cause you're not done"
-The Kooks
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3 comments:
Reading your thoughts and musings made me think of... egads! A Morrissey song! This particular one called Sing Your Life:
"Sing your life / Any fool can think of words that rhyme / Many others do / Walk right up to the microphone / And name all the things you love / and all the things you loathe / Oh sing your life"
Be sure to sing your life Cyndi, all the things you love and loathe. It's hard to be so far away and not be able to talk in person. I hope mine and Mr. Steven Morrissey's words are of comfort to you. Cheers friend!
cyn. your words are a light. even in your confusion and indifference. and i wonder if maybe it helps you to know that i switch from joy to sadness to confusion to pain daily. and your letter that i wrote you had a special place in my heart. i wrote it as though you were sitting with me and our hearts were connected. and also your comment about the homeless... maybe that gives you a hint of my addiction to the urban of the land of port. a healing BY them. they touch me more than i can ever imagine touching them. selfish maybe? either way. my cyn i get you and you get me and my life is blessed because of your spirit. sorry its taken so long for me to catch up on your blogs.
Cyndi, your words bring tears to my eyes but at the same time put a smile on my face. Lots of love to you. Aunt Barbara
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