"There Is A Long Way, Between Chaos & Creation"

inspired by sir paul, i am indeed bordering a fine line between chaos & creation



the chaos?

depression.
dealing with the feeling of not being at peace here in Sevilla
of not being able to handle this beautiful crazy mess of a city
& my first test grades were awful
awful enough to make me doubt my decision to come here



the creation?

on sunday i was able to indulge in fabulous coffee & conversation with my roomie
it was a much needed time for us, as we hadn't really connected yet
i see her in a new light & for that i am thankful
i've also found a cafe geared towards college students
which means their cafe con leche is only 1 euro
& their burgers are less than 3!

also, i went to Toledo this weekend

beautiful

in fact, i quote a rather wonderful movie "In Bruges" when i say "it's like a fockin' fairytale!"
i apologize for the less than delicate language, watch the movie, then you'll understand

my heart & mind were in such peace there
peace i had not felt, from way deep down, in a very long time
the streets all are cobblestoned, the house all vintage brick & straw
Toledo was a medieval city & hasn't really advanced much since then architectually
it's also home to the oldest Gothic cathedral in the world
absolutely mind-silencing
the air there is so fresh & crisp, for a moment i fooled myself into thinking i was breathing in an Oregon or Pullman fall
it was quite heavenly to wander the cobblestoned paths of ancient times as scents of vanilla pipe, cooking smoke, & autumn leaves permeate the air
i loved it, truly
for the first time, i felt like i was in Europe
like i was alive
like there was something bigger than all this here in Sevilla
something big & beautiful & free & taking me in
i will go back there before my time in Spain is over

& thankfully, there is more creation

i got to talk to my daddy, twice!
it was so good to hear from him
i've missed him so much
i've also realized how thankful i am for tourists
they wander around Sevilla with their cameras of all sorts, taking everything in
i always look to see what they're capturing
because it means they've found something worth remembering that i have yet to discover


so there we have it
i am still on this line
bordering chaos & creation
the chaos i know will always be there
i will never feel at complete peace with this city
but there is always creation aswell
waiting to comfort me

hope for more creation

"There is a fine line, between recklessness and courage
It's about time, you understood which road to take
It's a fine line, your decision makes a difference
Get it wrong, you'll be making a big mistake

There is a long way, between chaos and creation
If you don't say, which one of these your gonna choose
It's a long way, and in every contradiction
Seems to say it's a game that your bound to loose"

-Paul McCartney

a tree that reminds me of my sweet friend meg.











fairycakes (cupcakes) made by my fabulous mother!
they're unreal!

"We're On A Road To Nowhere"

here i am in perhaps my favourite cafe in all of sevilla
it's nothing fancy
nothing about it stands out as being particularly Spanish
but still, i like it here
the coffee is good & cheap, only a 1 euro & 20 cents
there are screens that stream spanish music videos
but the speakers play american music
i find that contrast somewhat amusing
i have a feeling though that no matter where one goes in the world, it is nigh impossible to be able to fully escape american culture
mcdonald's is a huge deal here, all of them being 2-3 stories and always packed with people
there are 4 starbucks all within a 5 min walking distance of eachother
i found a movie store that only rents american movies, all dubbed over
it all fascinates me
makes me wonder what the real sevilla is like underneath this veil of the american dream
i amuse myself at the thought that although many countries don't seem too pleased with the states today, they are all too quick to enjoy our exports
& maybe that's why i feel at odds with this city
feeling so unwelcome in a city that appears to owe a lot of itself to the land from where i come
how do i attempt to fit into a culture that seems to both reject & accept me at the same time?
in other news, i went to a church concert last night
we had to take a bus a very long way to a church in the middle of nowhere
and sit through a 1 hr & a 1/2 sermon before even being able to listen to the singer
the concert itself was supposed to start @ 9pm, but didn't begin until 10:15
never again will i accuse my mother of being more than fashionably late:)
sitting there in the pew, bored out of my mind, i found myself & my friend Sasha talking with a guy a pew behind us
he's from Brazil, lived in the states for a while, and plans on opening an american style pretzel shop next week
we all left the church at 11 to catch a bus, myself & 5 other girls, only to end up sharing a bus stop with 3 other concert attendees
1- a guy from paraguay who also lived in the states & can speak english
he was more than amused at the fact that he could ask one question & all of us would respond simultaneously with the exact same answer
that starts to happen when you hear the same basic questions over & over again
2- a british guy studying chemistry in spain
& 3- a girl also from brazil studying english here in spain
we had to wait and hour and a freaking half for the stupid bus
giving us plenty of time to discuss the differences between all of our cultures
beautiful conversation
then my lady friends & i had a picnic on the bridge at 2 am
all in all an adventure filled evening
such experiences are always better with friends along for the ride
& so here i am
on a rain drenched saturday
not really interested in going back to my host home
but not really wanting to go anywhere else either
so here in my cafe, i will stay
meditating on the world wide impact my country has
contemplating the beauty of the fact that although we all come from different places,
we're still all very much together in this world
striving to feel some sense of belonging

"There's a city in my mind
Come along and take that ride
And its all right, baby, its all right
And its very far away
But its growing day by day
And its all right, baby, its all right"
-Talking Heads

All You Need Is Love, Love Is All You Need

i have been reminded lately of how important it is to love.
how if we have not love, we have nothing.
this is particularly difficult for me as i have been forced to realize how little i have been loving.
this place
these people
her
him
you
myself
all without love.
i hate that.
i want to love, but i cannot force it
nor can i remain indifferent
i need love to take a hold of me
so i may love others
because "love is all you need"
also?
i am deeply missing home
my family
my friends
my school
theatre
my heart is so thirsty for theatre there are no words to express it
but?
there is some dancing in the darkness
i get to see my grandma for a weekend in december
i miss her a lot & will be counting the days
& i am going to london for a week
a dream
also?
this weekend i look forward to spending with friends here
going to evening concerts & morning markets & such
next week i get to start working with homeless people
providing them with coffee & conversation
two of my most favourite things

so for now, those things will keep me
until we meet again,
may you feel the love

"oh i don't know where else i'll go
it's out of the warmth
& into the snow"
-the morning benders

Sweet Autumn Morn

i miss my oregon fall
i miss the golden leaves
the fresh, crisp mornings
i miss the pumpkins & apples
the changes in the air
the changes in the way we are
i miss honeyed tea evenings
and maple syruped mornings
i miss coffee shop endeavors
and scarf adorned friends
i miss the leaves crunching under my feet
and morning apple tarts dripping of sweetly savoured spices
the fall will not wait for me
so Spain will have to do
though the crunchy leaves are few & far between
i do love indulging in the apple tarts
even if they are from McDonald's

"no i would not give you false hope
on this strange & awful day
oh the mother & child reunion
is only a motion away"

"Pobre Chinos"

oh me oh my so much with which to indulge you all
school? mediocre. not my favourite thing, but something to do.
my family? hysterical. everyday during lunch this group of loud, laughing, Chinese teenagers wander past our dining room table. My brother Carlos said next time they walk by, causing such noise, he's going to stick his out & scare them, "AAAAAAA"
we all laughed, & then laughed more when my senors said "Ay, Pobre Chinos"
"Oh, poor Chinese"
and today? my brother in-law snuck outside just before lunch & stuck his head in the window laughing & yelling "ahahahah soy chino, soy ruidoso, ay, ay, ay, soy chino loco"
katie & i just about died, the translation being "ahahaha i'm chinese, i'm noisy, ay, ay, ay crazy chinese"
& they say spaniards aren't racist
they really are a wondeful family, lots of laughter & love
last night 7 other girls & i met up with some spaniards & went out for tapas. delicious. or am i talking about the spaniards?
for you see one of them, i kid you not, resembled a spanish subtitled version of Orlando Bloom. gourgeous
& taken
of course
we then went to a museum that was putting on a plethora of fabulous artistic endeavors including guitar concerts, photo galleries, flamenco, wine tasting, & theatre.
all free. all wonderful.
& our spanish boys stayed with us all night long declaring they simply could not leave us girls all alone
very sweet
we then wandered around Sevilla in the wee hours of the morning, considering the museum was open until 2, before heading home at....
4 am!
my senora can no longer claim i have no night life
now i am off to meet my conversation partner before indulging in a movie with my lovely lady of a friend Kristen
until we meet again, i love you all
"all is well on the hippie front"

Midnight Cathedral Thoughts

i sit by gothic beauty
and i am jealous of the birds that cling to its beams
they know what it's like to live and breathe amongst arcaic truth
i want to be them
seeing the city from the safest of places
holy gothic walls allow them sanctuary
where is my sanctuary?
here? amongst the spaniards?
there? somewhere else i want to be?
i walk at night
to feel a sense of comfort
in the sun the city screams at me
and i smell it's heat
by the moon it sings to me
begging me to explore its cobblestone paths
and so i walk
alone
not wanting to go there
not sure if i'm here
too scared to admit what i don't know
i speak to be free
i run to stand still
i hope to hear my hope breathing
guiding me and calling me as the bells do the birds to the tower
here
in some arcaic truth
in front of this gothic beauty
i am alone
but i am smiling

Snow Dripping Of Almond Flowers

so here we are
it has been a good weekend
la mezquita, the largest & oldest mosque in the world, was beautiful
we also visited an old palace built by Abd-Rahman III
fairytale has it he asked his favourite lady to tell him what she wanted more than anything, & he would give it to her
she asked for snow
well it doesn't snow in Cordoba
so he built her a palace filled with an abundance of almond trees which shed beautiful, tiny,white flowers
snow made of flowers
beautiful
some say the story isn't true
but i believe in it
friday night my roomie & i went with our host family out to dinner to celebrate our host brother/sister 22nd birthday (they're twins)
they're a vibrant and lively bunch & made me feel so welcomed
i loved it
also? i now have a deal with our older host brother to go out & get drunk & then visit a discoteca
he says the only way he's going "gay dancing" is if he's absolutely tossed
oh my
saturday i went to a gypsy market
chaotic vibrance everywhere
i bought a big, beautiful bunch of grapes for $1.50
delicious
& then?
i went with my friend Kristen to meet her conversation partner
he wanted to meet her @ 9:30 at night, rather late for a young girl to be meeting a spanish man for the first time
if there's anything we American girls know it's the buddy system, so i went with her
he was nice
very talkative
we had drinks & tapas & conversation
all lovely
today i went to mass in the largest gothic cathedral in the world
absolutely beautiful
though a bit hard to understand what's going on considering i'm not catholic, or spanish
still, i was lost in the beauty
tonight i go out to dinner with friends at this cute little italian place
all in all, a good weekend
perhaps too many homeward focused thoughts
perhaps too many frustrations at those who just don't understand me
but definitely a new found peace that only comes with midnight strolls along cathedral walls
so here we are
and there it is
i am discovering the beauty
it is harsh
but it is there

"can you hear me calling, out your name
you know that i'm fallin' and i don't know what to say"
-fleetwood mac

Brightened By John Lennon

a good day.
i wandered around sevilla for 3 hrs by myself & found a fabulous record store.
i bought a beatles record:)
also?
my senora showed us pictures of her children as babies & of her wedding.
huge deal. spaniards usually aren't that open w/people they hardly know.
i deeply appreciated her sharing those parts of her life w/us.
& one of my favourite coffee shops played "imagine".
hearing john lennon in spain reminds me that all is not lost to darkness. i am comforted.
friday we go to cordoba to visit the mosque.
saturday i go to a market to feel alive amidst the hustle & bustle of handmade food & objects.
sunday i go to mass in the largest gothic cathedral in the world.
now?
i go buy a snack so i don't starve to death before lunch.
i love you all.
i am trying to love myself.
i am learning to love spain.

Spaniards Don´t Eat Peanut Butter

spain is awkward to me
sometimes i love it
sometimes i hate it
sometimes all it takes is a walk through a park
& i am smiling
other times, all i can do is count
count the days between me & home
between me & my family
between here & there
between you & me
good news?
for your sake yes
i got to talk to my dear one meg last night
she called me...
from AFRICA!
it was brilliant
i cried
but she does not know this
i think of her Africa dwelling self often
would i be happier there?
something on my heart is pondering something bigger
something must be enlightened
something must change
i feel hope in that next week i share coffee & conversation with homeless folks
this my heart bleeds to do
i cannot wait to do something outside of myself
until then? i will:

continue searching for mantequilla de cacahuetes (peanut butter)
find a knitting store
shop at my vintage store
read my recently acquired memoir about an ex-rockstar who moved to Spain:)
ride the bus to nowhere
& continue hoping that tomorrow carries with it a lyrical hope unending

¨heartbeat, stay heavy
lovers oh please, stay on your feet for me¨
- the kooks

I Can Hear Our Hope Breathing

i am la guiri
i am here, living
i am beginning to enjoy it more & more
slowly
cafe con leche
evening icecream
late night flamenco
calamari
yogurt for dessert
naan
vintage shops (even in Spain!)
working with the homeless
night walking
here
thinking
living
breathing
hoping
smiling
la guiri.

"Not only is another world possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing."
-Arundhati Roy

Joyas Del Dia

some things that make this day pretty to me:

the man on the corner who sells chicle. i see him every morning. he used to try to sell me stuff, but now he just says hi, even when he's on the phone.

dinner last night= scrambled eggs, hot dogs, & beer. go america.

our house has a roof on it perfect for night time thinking.

oh me oh my i dare say today will be a day w/o an apple pie.

"turn off your mind, relax & float upstream
it is not dying, it is not dying"


that's all...for now.

pray for more joyas del dia.

Cafe Con Leche

every morning, between 9 and 11:30, i come to this little cafe for a cafe con leche. it's only $1.2o in euros, which is pretty decent. it's great that the cheap coffee tastes better over here. i think i'm feeling a little better. i've taken to going to mcdonald's whenever i'm sad, & it does wonders. i love those apple pies. my classes are ok. i think i'm going to change my grammar class to a lower level because the stuff she's reviewing is completely new to me. crazy spaniards. i went out on the river last night on a paddle boat. it was beautiful & very relaxing. i'll try to post some pictures soon. i'm getting along well w/a lot of the girls here. & my host family is really very kind. i live with a 10 mon. old baby named Marta and yesterday we were eating lunch & she was sitting on the other end of the table with her back to me when her abuela said "cyndi, quien es cyndi?" & marta turned right around & pointed at me & smiled. it was so wonderful to see that she knows who i am. comforted me in a way. despite everything, by everything i mean the fact that i'm studying in Europe, i sit here crying as i write this. i'm not sure why. i just feel so lost. & i'm ok with that, for now. i'm ok with wanting to jump on a plane & go back home, back to the things that i love. i won't feel this way the entire time. i won't let myself. i will do as my mother says & find a bookstore, a yarn store, & write postcards. i will find a yoga center & join it. i will look for peanut butter. i will be ok.
time for an apple pie...

"here comes the sun,
here comes the sun & i say, it's alright"