"There Is A Long Way, Between Chaos & Creation"

inspired by sir paul, i am indeed bordering a fine line between chaos & creation



the chaos?

depression.
dealing with the feeling of not being at peace here in Sevilla
of not being able to handle this beautiful crazy mess of a city
& my first test grades were awful
awful enough to make me doubt my decision to come here



the creation?

on sunday i was able to indulge in fabulous coffee & conversation with my roomie
it was a much needed time for us, as we hadn't really connected yet
i see her in a new light & for that i am thankful
i've also found a cafe geared towards college students
which means their cafe con leche is only 1 euro
& their burgers are less than 3!

also, i went to Toledo this weekend

beautiful

in fact, i quote a rather wonderful movie "In Bruges" when i say "it's like a fockin' fairytale!"
i apologize for the less than delicate language, watch the movie, then you'll understand

my heart & mind were in such peace there
peace i had not felt, from way deep down, in a very long time
the streets all are cobblestoned, the house all vintage brick & straw
Toledo was a medieval city & hasn't really advanced much since then architectually
it's also home to the oldest Gothic cathedral in the world
absolutely mind-silencing
the air there is so fresh & crisp, for a moment i fooled myself into thinking i was breathing in an Oregon or Pullman fall
it was quite heavenly to wander the cobblestoned paths of ancient times as scents of vanilla pipe, cooking smoke, & autumn leaves permeate the air
i loved it, truly
for the first time, i felt like i was in Europe
like i was alive
like there was something bigger than all this here in Sevilla
something big & beautiful & free & taking me in
i will go back there before my time in Spain is over

& thankfully, there is more creation

i got to talk to my daddy, twice!
it was so good to hear from him
i've missed him so much
i've also realized how thankful i am for tourists
they wander around Sevilla with their cameras of all sorts, taking everything in
i always look to see what they're capturing
because it means they've found something worth remembering that i have yet to discover


so there we have it
i am still on this line
bordering chaos & creation
the chaos i know will always be there
i will never feel at complete peace with this city
but there is always creation aswell
waiting to comfort me

hope for more creation

"There is a fine line, between recklessness and courage
It's about time, you understood which road to take
It's a fine line, your decision makes a difference
Get it wrong, you'll be making a big mistake

There is a long way, between chaos and creation
If you don't say, which one of these your gonna choose
It's a long way, and in every contradiction
Seems to say it's a game that your bound to loose"

-Paul McCartney

a tree that reminds me of my sweet friend meg.











fairycakes (cupcakes) made by my fabulous mother!
they're unreal!

"We're On A Road To Nowhere"

here i am in perhaps my favourite cafe in all of sevilla
it's nothing fancy
nothing about it stands out as being particularly Spanish
but still, i like it here
the coffee is good & cheap, only a 1 euro & 20 cents
there are screens that stream spanish music videos
but the speakers play american music
i find that contrast somewhat amusing
i have a feeling though that no matter where one goes in the world, it is nigh impossible to be able to fully escape american culture
mcdonald's is a huge deal here, all of them being 2-3 stories and always packed with people
there are 4 starbucks all within a 5 min walking distance of eachother
i found a movie store that only rents american movies, all dubbed over
it all fascinates me
makes me wonder what the real sevilla is like underneath this veil of the american dream
i amuse myself at the thought that although many countries don't seem too pleased with the states today, they are all too quick to enjoy our exports
& maybe that's why i feel at odds with this city
feeling so unwelcome in a city that appears to owe a lot of itself to the land from where i come
how do i attempt to fit into a culture that seems to both reject & accept me at the same time?
in other news, i went to a church concert last night
we had to take a bus a very long way to a church in the middle of nowhere
and sit through a 1 hr & a 1/2 sermon before even being able to listen to the singer
the concert itself was supposed to start @ 9pm, but didn't begin until 10:15
never again will i accuse my mother of being more than fashionably late:)
sitting there in the pew, bored out of my mind, i found myself & my friend Sasha talking with a guy a pew behind us
he's from Brazil, lived in the states for a while, and plans on opening an american style pretzel shop next week
we all left the church at 11 to catch a bus, myself & 5 other girls, only to end up sharing a bus stop with 3 other concert attendees
1- a guy from paraguay who also lived in the states & can speak english
he was more than amused at the fact that he could ask one question & all of us would respond simultaneously with the exact same answer
that starts to happen when you hear the same basic questions over & over again
2- a british guy studying chemistry in spain
& 3- a girl also from brazil studying english here in spain
we had to wait and hour and a freaking half for the stupid bus
giving us plenty of time to discuss the differences between all of our cultures
beautiful conversation
then my lady friends & i had a picnic on the bridge at 2 am
all in all an adventure filled evening
such experiences are always better with friends along for the ride
& so here i am
on a rain drenched saturday
not really interested in going back to my host home
but not really wanting to go anywhere else either
so here in my cafe, i will stay
meditating on the world wide impact my country has
contemplating the beauty of the fact that although we all come from different places,
we're still all very much together in this world
striving to feel some sense of belonging

"There's a city in my mind
Come along and take that ride
And its all right, baby, its all right
And its very far away
But its growing day by day
And its all right, baby, its all right"
-Talking Heads

All You Need Is Love, Love Is All You Need

i have been reminded lately of how important it is to love.
how if we have not love, we have nothing.
this is particularly difficult for me as i have been forced to realize how little i have been loving.
this place
these people
her
him
you
myself
all without love.
i hate that.
i want to love, but i cannot force it
nor can i remain indifferent
i need love to take a hold of me
so i may love others
because "love is all you need"
also?
i am deeply missing home
my family
my friends
my school
theatre
my heart is so thirsty for theatre there are no words to express it
but?
there is some dancing in the darkness
i get to see my grandma for a weekend in december
i miss her a lot & will be counting the days
& i am going to london for a week
a dream
also?
this weekend i look forward to spending with friends here
going to evening concerts & morning markets & such
next week i get to start working with homeless people
providing them with coffee & conversation
two of my most favourite things

so for now, those things will keep me
until we meet again,
may you feel the love

"oh i don't know where else i'll go
it's out of the warmth
& into the snow"
-the morning benders

Sweet Autumn Morn

i miss my oregon fall
i miss the golden leaves
the fresh, crisp mornings
i miss the pumpkins & apples
the changes in the air
the changes in the way we are
i miss honeyed tea evenings
and maple syruped mornings
i miss coffee shop endeavors
and scarf adorned friends
i miss the leaves crunching under my feet
and morning apple tarts dripping of sweetly savoured spices
the fall will not wait for me
so Spain will have to do
though the crunchy leaves are few & far between
i do love indulging in the apple tarts
even if they are from McDonald's

"no i would not give you false hope
on this strange & awful day
oh the mother & child reunion
is only a motion away"

"Pobre Chinos"

oh me oh my so much with which to indulge you all
school? mediocre. not my favourite thing, but something to do.
my family? hysterical. everyday during lunch this group of loud, laughing, Chinese teenagers wander past our dining room table. My brother Carlos said next time they walk by, causing such noise, he's going to stick his out & scare them, "AAAAAAA"
we all laughed, & then laughed more when my senors said "Ay, Pobre Chinos"
"Oh, poor Chinese"
and today? my brother in-law snuck outside just before lunch & stuck his head in the window laughing & yelling "ahahahah soy chino, soy ruidoso, ay, ay, ay, soy chino loco"
katie & i just about died, the translation being "ahahaha i'm chinese, i'm noisy, ay, ay, ay crazy chinese"
& they say spaniards aren't racist
they really are a wondeful family, lots of laughter & love
last night 7 other girls & i met up with some spaniards & went out for tapas. delicious. or am i talking about the spaniards?
for you see one of them, i kid you not, resembled a spanish subtitled version of Orlando Bloom. gourgeous
& taken
of course
we then went to a museum that was putting on a plethora of fabulous artistic endeavors including guitar concerts, photo galleries, flamenco, wine tasting, & theatre.
all free. all wonderful.
& our spanish boys stayed with us all night long declaring they simply could not leave us girls all alone
very sweet
we then wandered around Sevilla in the wee hours of the morning, considering the museum was open until 2, before heading home at....
4 am!
my senora can no longer claim i have no night life
now i am off to meet my conversation partner before indulging in a movie with my lovely lady of a friend Kristen
until we meet again, i love you all
"all is well on the hippie front"