It All Came From Liking Honey Too Much

the things i carried with me

there, my spain:
dove chocolates & promises
¨the world may change us, but we start & end with family¨

songs to feel the love while flying high
¨let it be¨ & the melodies of feist, twisted sister promises ¨i´ll be home for christmas¨

pictures of those i love lived on my spanish hacienda wall for four months


here, my home:
gifts for giving
adorn yourselves with these european delights

food for sharing
taste the christmas joys of spain, marzipan & chocolate

beatles & the kinks, records to give me hope

london.

knowledge learned
Velázquez & his brush strokes
el Greco & his Toledo truth in precision
a history of a staircase plays theatre & the power of choice, i recognize myself
the catholic kings & Spain’s saga
por ti, para mi
¨no pasa nada¨

an ending wonderful
tears in the arms of my family, both given & chosen
remember when i lived in spain for four moths?
it was broken, & it was beautiful,
& i have grown, but will not see the fruit of these honey dripping siesta months until my heart is ready to be surprised
i have left those spicy dirty streets
& will not regret them
will not let Spain beat me
i have lived, laughed, cried, hoped, & loved all under a spanish sun
remember when i lived in spain for 4 months?
it was broken, & it was beautiful


"we've already said goodbye/since you gotta go oh you'd better go now/go now/go now before you see me cry"- the moody blues

oh my, i suppose it all came from liking honey too much
love,
cyn

& Then Spain Said Goodbye

there was nothing left
for me to say
to do
to think
how do i feel about you spain?
what do i make of you?
you of me?
we make nothing together.
you have broken me
sending me & my mixed up pieces back to my home land
home
so very beautifully soon
i walked amongst the city tonight
looking for nostalgia
& all i found was angst
agression
frustration
desperation
hunger
cold
looking at the sights meant to be beautiful,
but i know the trickery of spain
start to feel an inkling of welcome
& it will throw you out the door
not even a bocadillo in case you get hungry
look around, so many inaudible sounds
i'm begging you, let me go
i'll look back
& laugh through the tears

"there's a plane & i am flying/ there's a mountain waiting for me/oh these years have been so trying/i don't know if i can use them/am i strong enough to be the one?/will i live to have some children?/help me get down i can't make it/ help me get down i can't make it /help me get down if i only knew the answer i wouldn't be bothering you father/help me get down i can't make it/ if i only knew the answer/& if all our days are numbered/then why do i keep counting?"
-the killers

more wall beauty

this is the head of my bed. you'd be standing on me right now, which would awkward & probably painful

the kinks. enough said.

a letter from africa, a beatles record from spain, pictures & rock concert invites from london & newberg. my heart on a wall.

this is looking from the head of my bed down towards the end. there's the aramario, where all of our clothes live. on my tv bed table you can see my book & a copy of rolling stone.

& there you go. i have shown you my boat. soon i will disembark for a new adventure. another boat is awaiting me. to take me across the sea, love in pullman & portland. all aboard.

you have just climbed that second staircase & walked to the left a bit. now you look back & think, "wow, what a lovely hallway". the door on the right is my spaniard's bathroom. you might think "wow, i really need to go. i'll just pop in there real quick" but don't do it because then your senora will get mad at you & might not feed you. the door on the left is my spanish sister's room. across from the bathroom is another bedroom where my other spanish sister, her husband, & the baby sleep. it's not too bad, unless they're all in there making too much noise & waking me up from my siesta. now you are about to turn around & walk into a door. make sure you open it.

you've opened the door, walked in, closed the door, & walked across the room. this is from my side, very different from katie's side.



& now you've turned around to see my side of the room. a very nice side. clean. ambianced. i dig it.





this is if you were standing at the end of my bed, watching me sleep which you shouldn't do because it's creepy.

this is my wall with my colours & records. things to inspire me.

Here, Let Me Show You My Boat

this is the outside of my home, the front door.
this is the dining room where we eat our fancy meals. katie & i used to eat every meal alone in here, but then she complained so we all eat together now on the couch.
this is dinner that my senora fed me one night. an egg, two hotdogs, yogurt & beer. typical spanish cuisine.



imagine you've just come in from the front door. on your left you'd see this staircase, on your right you'd see the dining room & tv room.

imagine you have just climbed the previous staircase. then you were on the landing with the pretty green pottery, & then you climbed this second staircase.

I Can See the Honey Tree

sitting
reading
"studying"
the words
my education?
or my worth?
my suitcase calls, "remember me? it is me that you love. leave the pluscuamperfecto del subjuntivo. leave the mudejares in castilla & the 30 years war. abandon velazquez & his elipsis. let go of the things that are not you. embrace me. i will help you home"
evening coffee & cookies
morning laughter with my spanish mother, the president looks good with shoes on his face
surprise
it's time
now with these fleeting thoughts i attempt to end this whirlwind
se acabo!
it's finished!
"when freedom becomes a language, indifference is forbidden"
what do these words mean?
my soul understands while my mind needlessly convulates
so listen to my soul
my spicy spanish yo soy americana soul
yo soy americana
running laughing talking screaming breathing convulating elipsis stop!
home

The Day I Gave My Map Away

the day
today
i gave my map away
to the french tourists in the park
take this map
find your way, may it be more joyful than mine was
i realized
i am ready
to let go of spain
funny though, spain will never let go of me
it will always be a part of my bones
of me
embrace what little i have left
for then it is over
an ending wonderful
the day
today
i gave the city to the french in the park

I Fell Asleep Smiling

9 days
only
"number 9, number 9" (cheers to you if you can tell me the song reference)
i can't really believe it
only 3 more days of class
& then tests
& then an airplane
& then home
i don't know how to take that
these ending moments are all i've been waiting for this semester
now they are upon me asking me "what do you think Cyndi?"
i think i am ready to go home
i think i like seeing Christmas trees in cafes in Spain
i think i liked watching "the karate kid" in spanish today
i think i just fell in love with the chocolate fudge cookies here at Pan's Cafe
i think this all leading towards an ending beautiful
also?
i have learned something wonderful about my senora
last night she told me the story, her story
& now i will tell you...


until 2 years ago she lived in a tiny apartment with her 4 kids in what we would consider the ghetto
she & her husband are seperated, he hasn't seen her or his children in 10 years
while living in this delapidated apartment
she was caring for a sick woman
when that woman passed away, god rest her, her (the sick woman) husband's health also started failing
so my senora, needing the extra money, started caring for him instead
soon she stopped taking money for her work, claiming it just wasn't right
she cared for him while his children, 6 hrs away, never bothered with him
he passed away, god rest him, within a year or so of his wife
my senora cared for him as if he were her family
she stayed by him while his family left him out in the cold
he came to see her & her children as his true family
so when he died
in his will
he left her & her 4 kids the huge house he was living in
the one i am now living in
and?
$700, 000
my senora tells me this over evening pizza
her words, spanish, settling in like the warmest of blankets all around my soul
i went to bed last night
blessed with her new found confidence in me
blessed to have been cared for all this time by a woman who feels it her calling in life to care for those who need it
blessed to be living within the walls of a house that once belonged to a perpetually kind man
who's sweet presence i felt for the first time last night
comforted
welcomed
warmed
fed
loved
i fell asleep smiling
thinking of this man's kindness
of my spanish family's huge hearts
of my senora, whose sleeping breaths i could here through the wall, & all she is to me
her eyes tell me everything about her
four words especially stream from her gaze
wisdom, grace, tiredness, loneliness
she is all of these things
i feel love within my spanish home for the first time
i will soak myself in it
until i leave this place for a different kind of love
i will take this story of hope & spread it all around me
so we can remind ourselves we are all here & living & breathing & present

"i am he as you he as you are me and we are all together"

& now?
i return to my spanish home that lets me fall asleep smiling

"Halleluja Rosie Lea"

this week
what a week!
sick with a stomach flu on monday
art project on tuesday
tutoring on wednesday, splurging on a starbucks
christmas carols on thursday
more stomach problems! doubled over in pain. hospital time?
my senora, so sweet, tells me it's just gas
i'm fairly certain however that "just gas" doesn't rip your insides into shreds, making it difficult to walk & breathe
she keeps feeding me grilled fish
really yummy
4 meals now
of grilled fish
light on your tummy, she tells me
i adore her
& my tummy is better
today?
morning coffee
parousing among sweets baked by nuns
people stand in line for more than hour to buy these sweets
all so delicious
i bought some kind of coconut something or others
an intended gift
sorry family but the box didn't stay closed passed the covenant
now here i am
sitting in my cafe
needing to finish my paper
6-7 pages on how a particular spanish play is reflective of post-civil war spanish society
a kick ass topic
but tricky
as evidenced by the fact that i am currently playing the game called
"cyndi goes to pan's to study but spends more time on the internet than being any kind of productive"
& tonight i will go out with my lady friends
things are looking up
& spain is ending soon
& if you can believe me, there are things i am thinking about missing
can it be?
we'll see
until then have a cuppa tea & just breathe

"Whatever the situation whatever the race or creed,
Tea knows no segregation, no class nor pedigree
It knows no motivations, no sect or organisation,
It knows no one religion, Nor political belief.
Have a cuppa tea, have a cuppa tea,
have a cuppa tea, have a cuppa tea,
Halleluja, halleluja, halleluja, Rosie Lea
Halleluja, halleluja, halleluja Rosie Lea."
-The Kinks

Speak

para y por describirme
no siento nada, pero siento todo
soy todo y soy nada
soy aire y soy muerte
soy audacia y soy vergüenza
con mi café caro, y mis zapatos sucios, siguiendo sintiendo
que hoy es mí ultima día
pero mañana es un día más
soy esperando y soy desesperando
ve las imágenes en mi pared, colores para consolación
miro al otro lado de esta cárcel a una declaración
que soy tan mucho y tan poco
quiero cantar, pero no puedo hablar
quiero correr, y no se como andar
quiero llorar, pero solo puedo respirar
no siento nada, pero siento todo. aquí. en Sevilla. la guiri. o la americana?


for me & by me describing me
i feel nothing & i feel everything
i am nothing & i am everything
i am air & i am death
i am audacity & i am shame
with my expensive coffee & my dirty shoes i continue feeling
that today is my last day
& tomorrow is one more
i am hoping & i am desperate
i see the images on my wall, colours for consolation
i look to the other side of this prison
a decleration
that i'm too much & too little
i want to sing but i can't speak
i want to run but i can't walk
i want to cry but i can only breathe
i feel nothing & i feel everything
here
in Sevilla
the guiri
or the american?

See, The Thing Is...

i have just been informed that i did not eat turkey on thanksgiving
i ate seagull & albatross combo
or scuttle from "the little mermaid" if you'd rather
i don't know whether i want to cry or laugh
cruel joke spain, cruel joke
but?
today i ate peanut butter chocolate chip cookies from the United States of America
and my dear sweetly sweet spanish darling Mercedes made us pumpkin pie
REAL pumpkin pie
so delicious
i have my pennance ready for having eaten scuttle
but all is good with pumpkin & chocolate flavoured nostalgia
the tastes of home
home
soon
home