It All Came From Liking Honey Too Much

the things i carried with me

there, my spain:
dove chocolates & promises
¨the world may change us, but we start & end with family¨

songs to feel the love while flying high
¨let it be¨ & the melodies of feist, twisted sister promises ¨i´ll be home for christmas¨

pictures of those i love lived on my spanish hacienda wall for four months


here, my home:
gifts for giving
adorn yourselves with these european delights

food for sharing
taste the christmas joys of spain, marzipan & chocolate

beatles & the kinks, records to give me hope

london.

knowledge learned
Velázquez & his brush strokes
el Greco & his Toledo truth in precision
a history of a staircase plays theatre & the power of choice, i recognize myself
the catholic kings & Spain’s saga
por ti, para mi
¨no pasa nada¨

an ending wonderful
tears in the arms of my family, both given & chosen
remember when i lived in spain for four moths?
it was broken, & it was beautiful,
& i have grown, but will not see the fruit of these honey dripping siesta months until my heart is ready to be surprised
i have left those spicy dirty streets
& will not regret them
will not let Spain beat me
i have lived, laughed, cried, hoped, & loved all under a spanish sun
remember when i lived in spain for 4 months?
it was broken, & it was beautiful


"we've already said goodbye/since you gotta go oh you'd better go now/go now/go now before you see me cry"- the moody blues

oh my, i suppose it all came from liking honey too much
love,
cyn

& Then Spain Said Goodbye

there was nothing left
for me to say
to do
to think
how do i feel about you spain?
what do i make of you?
you of me?
we make nothing together.
you have broken me
sending me & my mixed up pieces back to my home land
home
so very beautifully soon
i walked amongst the city tonight
looking for nostalgia
& all i found was angst
agression
frustration
desperation
hunger
cold
looking at the sights meant to be beautiful,
but i know the trickery of spain
start to feel an inkling of welcome
& it will throw you out the door
not even a bocadillo in case you get hungry
look around, so many inaudible sounds
i'm begging you, let me go
i'll look back
& laugh through the tears

"there's a plane & i am flying/ there's a mountain waiting for me/oh these years have been so trying/i don't know if i can use them/am i strong enough to be the one?/will i live to have some children?/help me get down i can't make it/ help me get down i can't make it /help me get down if i only knew the answer i wouldn't be bothering you father/help me get down i can't make it/ if i only knew the answer/& if all our days are numbered/then why do i keep counting?"
-the killers

more wall beauty

this is the head of my bed. you'd be standing on me right now, which would awkward & probably painful

the kinks. enough said.

a letter from africa, a beatles record from spain, pictures & rock concert invites from london & newberg. my heart on a wall.

this is looking from the head of my bed down towards the end. there's the aramario, where all of our clothes live. on my tv bed table you can see my book & a copy of rolling stone.

& there you go. i have shown you my boat. soon i will disembark for a new adventure. another boat is awaiting me. to take me across the sea, love in pullman & portland. all aboard.

you have just climbed that second staircase & walked to the left a bit. now you look back & think, "wow, what a lovely hallway". the door on the right is my spaniard's bathroom. you might think "wow, i really need to go. i'll just pop in there real quick" but don't do it because then your senora will get mad at you & might not feed you. the door on the left is my spanish sister's room. across from the bathroom is another bedroom where my other spanish sister, her husband, & the baby sleep. it's not too bad, unless they're all in there making too much noise & waking me up from my siesta. now you are about to turn around & walk into a door. make sure you open it.

you've opened the door, walked in, closed the door, & walked across the room. this is from my side, very different from katie's side.



& now you've turned around to see my side of the room. a very nice side. clean. ambianced. i dig it.





this is if you were standing at the end of my bed, watching me sleep which you shouldn't do because it's creepy.

this is my wall with my colours & records. things to inspire me.

Here, Let Me Show You My Boat

this is the outside of my home, the front door.
this is the dining room where we eat our fancy meals. katie & i used to eat every meal alone in here, but then she complained so we all eat together now on the couch.
this is dinner that my senora fed me one night. an egg, two hotdogs, yogurt & beer. typical spanish cuisine.



imagine you've just come in from the front door. on your left you'd see this staircase, on your right you'd see the dining room & tv room.

imagine you have just climbed the previous staircase. then you were on the landing with the pretty green pottery, & then you climbed this second staircase.

I Can See the Honey Tree

sitting
reading
"studying"
the words
my education?
or my worth?
my suitcase calls, "remember me? it is me that you love. leave the pluscuamperfecto del subjuntivo. leave the mudejares in castilla & the 30 years war. abandon velazquez & his elipsis. let go of the things that are not you. embrace me. i will help you home"
evening coffee & cookies
morning laughter with my spanish mother, the president looks good with shoes on his face
surprise
it's time
now with these fleeting thoughts i attempt to end this whirlwind
se acabo!
it's finished!
"when freedom becomes a language, indifference is forbidden"
what do these words mean?
my soul understands while my mind needlessly convulates
so listen to my soul
my spicy spanish yo soy americana soul
yo soy americana
running laughing talking screaming breathing convulating elipsis stop!
home

The Day I Gave My Map Away

the day
today
i gave my map away
to the french tourists in the park
take this map
find your way, may it be more joyful than mine was
i realized
i am ready
to let go of spain
funny though, spain will never let go of me
it will always be a part of my bones
of me
embrace what little i have left
for then it is over
an ending wonderful
the day
today
i gave the city to the french in the park